I feel safer when i am completely aware of the consequences.. even if it means hurting myself.  That's why I fall for guys I have no future with.  I know it will end, so I don't have to worry about a potential relationship and therefore a potential breakup.  I recently realized I really like this guy who goes to school in Boston. Hah! like that's gonna work out.. and this is after I liked the foreign exchange student from Germany.. and the guy that moved to Miami.  I feel secure knowing that nothing could happen.. that I should just enjoy the time I have with them, because the future is set in stone.. the future that does not involve a long-term relationship..

and so i'm procrastinating my two bio lab reports.. watching marisa play mario paint on super nintendo.. and staring at the picture of jackie on my desk, i miss her so much.. whenever i visit where she's buried in the backyard, i can't help but cry.. i remember days when i'd just lay in the grass next to her and talk about pointless things lol she didn't understand but looked so cute when she smiled back hehe.. i'd stare into the sky and she'd just watch the squirrels pass.. she'd just lay beside me until the bugs forced me to go back inside.. i miss those days.. i miss her..

    HAH! i'm so pissed right now lol it's taken a lot for me to move on from brian, my first boyfriend. i knew it would be hard for me to see him when school started in less than 2 weeks but i was fine. i accepted that it's over, he doesn't want me back. i knew that our relationship would consist of the casual "hey, how are you?" or the informal wave hello. i had no expectations for us because i cheated on him. that meant he was totally over me. certainly seemed like it.. i hadn't talked to him for 2 months. this summer consisted of me reading my book, "It's Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken" and trying to work out to better myself. I was doing pretty good if I say so myself lol
    Now here's the reason why i'm pissed hahah.. he called me. he drunken called me. after 2 months of not talking to me at all. i said that he probably meant to call a different person, and he hung up. i can't explain the pain i felt in my heart when i answered that phone call. the rush of memories we had together.. the same pain i experienced after he said it was over between us.. to make it worse he IMs me and says he hasn't been with any girl after he broke up. he was "unsuccessful" at getting with another girl to get over me. and he says "you've moved on". and i explained that it was hard for me to, sadly i kept comparing guys to him. he reveals that he's forgiven me and that maybe we can try again. if we communicate more maybe we can try and make it work.
    And now I'm feeling that those two months of criticizing our relationship and trying to move on went down the drain. Why must he do this to me? I was fine before. I feel like I felt like back in june.. what happened to the girl that quoted "why would you want to talk to someone who broke your heart? it's like wanting to go back to a job you were fired from" from her break-up book, encouraging others to move on from their broken relationships. I feel like I've taken a huge step backwards, hoping to try again with brian. But it doesn't matter now, he hasn't answered my text message asking if he meant what he said last night. I asked him if he was drunk when he told me "the truth" about how he felt about us and he said he sobered up.  He better not have lied. He better not have said those things as some sort of revenge. He better not have made all this shit up so he would no longer be "lonely". My expectations are not high as of now. I'll slowly build myself up to the girl i used to be before that phone call, before that conversation, before he fucked with my feelings..

... turns out he doesnt remember what he said.. hah.. should've seen it coming. he was just "too drunk" and "trippin on balls" to remember what he said to me.. he was typing coherently.. i asked him if it was just "drunken talk" he was saying but he answered no.. he doesn't even realize how much he hurt me.. i hate him.